|
Ruhaweyn
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Ashley
Country: United States
State: Alabama
Birthday: 7/29/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Arts, Music, Astronomy, Celtic, Roman, and English History, Literature, Myths and Legends, Theology, Travel, Classic Films, Romanticism, and Sustenance
Expertise: I am a professional Thinker.
In every other walk of life I'm still a novice.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
2/9/2005
|
|
| It's been months...I'm still tired. But at least I have
news. Ami's visiting me on Sept. 20(?) something.
Woo! That's cool, as long as she doesn't treat me like a
baby...cause then Adam would be a pedophile...and that's not
cool. I'm amused that I feel the need to specify what's cool and
not cool in this blog. : ) It pleases me.
My eyes are going to bleed very soon. But I've been neglecting
things...and that's bad too. Not as bad as bloody orifices...but
still. Shit. Hey, I'm just happy I've got something up
right now. Give me a break. I'm whoring myself off on
Myspace. Forgive me Xanga...I have several viruses that you don't
want...I'm no good for you anymore. I'll try to just look and not
touch. Write you a nice note every now and then.
Until my next random entry,
Adios.
| | |
| Since I started dating my little Adam, I've run clean out of
energy. *whew* I can't really say much now, but I feel
guilty for not updating poor xanga more often. Must express my
myraid emotions.......but must sleep! On the one hand, sacrifice
job performance in favor of opening my brain to my webjournal--or on
the other hand...cuddle with my man-eating-bunny stuffed toy and get
some shut-eye.
God I've got the midnight munchies.
later
| | |
| My weekend was very, VERY interesting...and I'm so
friggin' tired that I can't really tell you about it right now.
It will have to wait until tomorrow or the day after. All I can
say for now is that I talked to my boyfriend, and I've finally learned
why he likes me so much. It's a very nice feeling, knowing what
it is about me that's so attractive to him.
Now all I have to do is tell him all the reasons why he's so wonderful to me.
Like I said I'll go into more detail later, but
right now I've had a very looooooong day of work, and I'm ready for bed.
Oh yes, and tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary of moving to California.
Oh wait...it's after midnight now.
TODAY IS MY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!!
Yay for the west coast!
Good night.
| | |
| How do people change what they don't like about themselves?
I don't want to be a recluse anymore. I've
gotten better over the past few months, since I started working in
customer service...but that's a fake me...talking to a bunch of other
fake people. When I'm with other real people, I don't know what
to say. Now that I think about it though, maybe those are fake
people too. Maybe that's the only way groups of people can
communicate to one another. They distance themselves in order to
feel comfortable. Is that a lesson that I missed out on during
childhood?
I'm not sure if that's viable though. Because
sometimes I'm even fake one on one. The only person I feel
comfortable taking the mask off in front of is Drew. It's
pathetic that I still feel uncomfortable talking to Adam about
things. I can't have a basic conversation with my
boyfriend. Why? Because I don't know what to say.
What do you say to someone you're screwing?
People have told me that I don't need to
change. That they like me just the way I am. How can you
like someone that you don't know? They don't know me. They
don't know what passes through my mind when I've got that weird look in
my eye. And I don't tell them. They ask, but I don't
answer. Because I don't want them to think I'm crazy or stupid.
I thought that moving into an new atmosphere and
having to depend on myself would force me out of my shell, but it
hasn't. I'm still a shy little southern girl. I'm not as
sensitive as I used to be. That's a pro and a con really. I
don't take offense as easily and insults don't stick so hard...but at
the same time I'm not as compassionate as I once was. Thankfully
I haven't elevated to bitch status quite yet.
It's a dilemma. I'm afraid if I start talking
to my boyfriend he won't like the person that I am...but I know that if
I don't start talking...what's there to love? What does he know
about me? What's going to keep him here? I think he's just
awesome. Motivated and focused. He knows exactly what he
wants, and how to get it. And it seems like he's not afraid of
anything. What really gets me though, is that he's so sensitve to
how other people feel. He always includes Drew in invitations to
go out with us, and is the mediator with his own friends. It's
like he can do anything.
Me? I'm from Alabama. I'm quiet. I
think about a lot of things that I won't share with him. I don't
pick fights with anyone. I don't know what I want out of
life. I make the cutest little noises and faces. And I can
sing.
That's what he knows about me.
Yeah, I'm a real fucking philisophical genius when
it comes to conversation. God damn it. Why can't I say the
things that I write down here to him? This is when I say what I
think about the world and about myself. This is what I really
truly think. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Sure, to
anyone who reads this, I'm probably a self centered ditz. But at
least it's the real me. Not some fake chick trying to impress
someone.
I think that gays shouldn't be discriminated against
anymore than blacks or any other minority. I think that women
should have the right to decide whether they want to have a child or
not, even if I don't feel comfortable with abortion itself. I
think that politicians are just a bunch of nice suits and pretty words
that don't mean shit. I think that sex is overrated and love is
difficult to find. I think that people are insensitive assholes
who think too much about themselves and not enough about the world
around them (myself included). And I know that I shouldn't get
angry when people don't call me, because I don't call people
either. I think that being polite and respectful is important
when addressing anyone at all, not just because it's good manners, but
because it makes people feel better about themselves, and puts them in
better moods. I do believe in equality of course, but there's
nothing wrong with EVERYONE addressing EVERYONE else with respect.
TBC...
| | |
| Eh.
Work sucked today. Co-worker was an asshole. Drew's pissy
about something, probably on her period. Adam went to the bar
while I was working, so can't see him today. I'm so tired of
having my schedule fucked over.
Couple of girls at work stole lots of money out of the registers and
they got caught by security and were fired. Stupid stupid
people. Now I'm getting stretched thin covering for two other
people. That was two weeks ago. We're just getting them
replaced and I couldn't be more relieved. I'm so tired.
Once the new kids are trained I can get a break. Jeez.
I wanted to go swimming tomorrow, but I left my bathing suit at
Adam's house so that kind of stinks. And my beach towel. I
really want them back. ...really.
Yeah, as for the relationship. It's okay. I kind of rushed
into it, and got all the physical stuff out of the way first, so I'm
feeling a little backwards right now. Kind of wished I'd held off
and just got all the talking bit done first though. Course that
would have taken up a shitload of time. I guess the important
stuff will get said when it's necessary. We're both pretty laid
back I think, don't really have in big differences to argue about
really.
...maybe that's why we don't talk for hours on end.......it's because
we're not arguing. I'm pretty cool with silence. It's
something I'm used to, so it's nice. Dunno whether it bothers him
or not. I guess it probably doesn't or he would have said
adios by now.
Anywho, we don't get to see each other everyday cause he works three
jobs and we have different hours so yeah. It's not like a school
relationship where I know his every movement and we have several common
topics of interest. Pretty much, "hi" "how was work?"
"doin' good?" and "whatcha wanna do?" are our opening phrases of
choice. More reasons for silence. And I'm not good with
small talk anyway.
'Cept with Drew...but she's my roomie...I have to be able to talk to her.
Eh, it's only been a couple of months since we met, so I'm not too
worried. Kind of pissy but not worried. I'm kind of tired
of physical stuff. It serves no purpose for me. I don't
feel anything. Kissing, sex. It doesn't do anything for me,
so what's the point. I like being held. And I love sleeping
next to someone. Those are about the only physical acts that make
me feel better than average.
Maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe I'm not with the right
guy, or maybe everyone's lied to me about "sins of the flesh" and it's
just a bunch of overrated posh. Then again, I've been told that
it's 10% physical and 90% mental...so yeah, could be my mind's being a
bitch.
I never could focus on anything for more than two seconds.
It is kind of funny that my mind tends to wander during makeouts.
Humorous dilemas.
My favorite.
Drew's suggestion was to get a dildo and practice since masturbation is
a way to find out what kinds of things make one feel good. Though
I'd feel awkward since I've never masturbated. It was instilled
in my fragile young mind that masturbation would send me straight to
the pits of hell with God squealing "Ew! Get it away! Get it away!" the
whole way down.
The thought of a divine being watching me, then hurling chunks in my
general direction has kept me from fulfilling that particular sin.
Always thought it was strange that the church taught me that sex was a
beautiful thing to be shared between a wed couple deeply in love and
that God smiled upon that act...but masturbation was a disgusting and
vulgar sin against him. You know, like pissing on a nun or
something.
So yeah, sex doesn't bug me...but one on one with a manless wang does.
...I should probably rephrase that since I'm sure having sex with a severed penis would bother most other normal women as well.
Sex doesn't bug me, but acting out sexual fantasies does.
Better.
Damn it's late. I should go to sleep now. Don't know what
to do about this problem. I want to get something more out of
this relationship other than a free meal now and then, and a ticket to
booze.
That's not really fair. I have a lot of fun when I'm with him,
and he's very sweet to me and tries VERY hard to please me. He's
taken me to Hollywood, to the beach, I've met his mother and
grandparents and all his friends, he took me to Six Flags, and he's
very quick to pick up on my moods, and considerate of my
feelings. He's very open with me about his likes and dislikes and
the things that
are important to him, so it's not him that's the problem.
It's me. I need to open up, and I need to tell him that there IS a problem.
Cause I'm sure that he doesn't even know.
That sweet, sweet boy.
| | |
|
